relationships

...those connections, often with other humans that most people are lucky enough to have.

Human relationships of all sorts, is what I find to be one of the most amazing things in life. I love listening to and talking with people and being completely open about my thoughts. The people I've met in my life have given me incredible memories I will never forget, insights I might have never realised myself, support and help when I've been in a crisis, a sense of purpose when they've trusted me with their problems. Safety, entertainment, ideas, inspiration. A sense of belonging. Essentially, I don't think I would function without these people, mentally and physically.

Lately though, I feel like my life has been going through a lot of changes, and my mental state has been lagging behind. I've been spending a lot of time in new and uncomfortable situations, and positions where I'm "only" a beginner. Not just at work, but also beginning judo, and when working on various projects. While I know it is really good and healthy, I think the transition from having things even roughly under control to being a complete novice has been too big and quick. It's been overwhelming and I haven't even had the extra time to reflect and write about my thoughts and feelings. The environmental uncertainty has led to a mental uncertainty. Which has affected me socially.

I've started to feel fearful. I've become afraid that I might hurt someone, that I would be misunderstood, that I would betray someone's trust, or simply that I would be boring or useless. Behind it has been this immense exhaustion coming from the feeling inadequacy, and it has been having an effect on many things in my life. Feeling powerless is indeed a vicious cycle, simply draining more and more energy. But if you don't forgive your eternal imperfection, it's hard to do anything about the the things you want to improve on.

So, now, harnessing on the power of summer vacation, I've had more time trying to find the ways to intervene on my destructive thinking patterns. I've been thinking about times I've felt confident and strong. And oftentimes, they've been moments when I've felt physically strong. When I've challenged my body and done things I like. The confidence growing from physical activity has always extended beyond my practise. While only one of the factors contributing to more confidence and less fear, it's in the top.

I think I need to feel secure in myself, in order to be able to face others, have relationships where I can be myself and where I can listen without internal noice. Simultaneously, it's important that I am vulnerable, and that I'm able to criticise myself for the things I'm not happy with, but it needs to have limits, otherwise I can't do anything about it. Because the point of relationships is that they give more energy than they take, right?

And that's why I really want to put effort into finding the daily things that empower me, so it can have an iterative affect on and from the people around me. Because pulling oneself down is not only a terrible way to live, it more or less affects the people around you, and it reduces the chance of actually making the change you want to make in the world.

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