the story of the train ride and the mudcake craving

Today I was the grown up in a situation where the child in me wanted to take control. Sitting in the train on my way home, I really felt like having mudcake. I though of how I was going to buy a frozen mudcake in the grocery store, melt it and have it with some whipped cream.

To begin with, I'm not saying that there's something fundamentally wrong with having mudcake, or other sugary treats for that matter. But, I think sometimes the reasons for that craving might come from a more destructive than constructive place. Which was the case for me.

About a week ago, I got as a birthday present from my mom a book by foodpharmacy, and it was about hunting nutrition. I really like the book, and it was both educating and motivating, and after reading it, I really started to get exited again about nutritious food and taking care of my body. So I tried all sorts of recipes from the book, and after eating according to these guidelines, I haven't really craved any bad food (i.e. gut-unhealthy food). Until today.

Sitting in the train, I started to think about why I was having this craving. And I knew one of the reasons immediately: I was tired, I had slept a few hours too little. But it wasn't the only reason. I had just participated in this introductory session to a thesis support course and the prospect of writing my thesis, really made me feel uneasy. And third, I hadn't really been doing a lot of (personal) writing during the summer, and now when starting it again, I guess I was experiencing some existential ambiguity, which would have been easier to deal with by silencing it (with eating something good) rather than actually listening to it and maybe even working on it.

Next I started to think about what eating the mudcake would actually give me... A short sugar high, followed by inertia, itchy skin, and feeling sick during judo training later in the evening... So I decided to be the responsible adult in me, and skip that sugar high. Because I knew that that wasn't really what I needed.

An example that might seem small and insignificant, but for me, quite a big thing. I often use food to try to manipulate my mood, and usually it does more harm than good. Also, when feeding the "bad" gut bacteria, the body is quick to want more of the food that these bad gut bacterias feed on. So it's easy to get into a spiral.

I understand that this doesn't always feel like an important thing. There are bigger problems in life than sugar cravings. But it all often connects with each other. When life feels chaotic, I feel worried which affects my body in many ways, and this often leads to me making poorer food decisions, which usually aggravate the situation. So by valuing myself and my body, I'm not a leaf in the wind affected by circumstance. I can't control everything, but the things I can control, I will.